i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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