So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
