There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
