She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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