Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
