Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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