What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
