Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
