tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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