I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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