I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
