I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
