I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
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