Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
