maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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