I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
