So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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