I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
