The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
