My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
