It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
