no, he came in my armpit
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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