She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
