Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
