Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
