smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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