Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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