I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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