When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
