matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
