I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
