Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
