Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
im six kinds of drunk right now
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Randomize
