pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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