So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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