census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
