I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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