I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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