i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize