Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize