He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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