I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
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