you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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