wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
