Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
