I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
