I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
