Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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