i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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