I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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