so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
