She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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