Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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