Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
