I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
FUCK WHALES
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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