Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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