Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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