I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Randomize
