Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
